Saturday, April 13, 2013

Awkward


I am very awkward. Always have been and probably always will be. I think it might be a family thing because both my mom and my sister are very awkward people. It’s something that can really get in the way of every day life. I want to be able to interact with people like a normal human. But I always find myself feeling weird in any kind of social situation.

When I was younger I was very awkward as well. I always had trouble making friends, and I never really had large groups of friends. Usually the people that I was friends with were people who made the effort to speak to me. I’ve never been the sort of person who could start a conversation on my own.

I feel awkward around people I know as well. Sometimes I feel like I need to  prepare conversation topics beforehand because I am afraid of awkward lulls in conversation. I usually don’t need to do that, but the fact that I even need to think about it is a little irritating. I want to be able to go out and have fun with friends without worrying that I am not being myself.

That’s another problem that I have. I have issues being myself. When I am alone I feel the most like who I am supposed to be. I guess that’s normal.  But when I am around other people I feel as though I am being different versions on myself depending on who I am with. I want to be the best self that I can be around everyone. I’m not entirely sure how to do that. I wonder if there are a lot of other people who struggle with this as well. Maybe if I spend more time away from my home I’d be better at not being awkward. But I lived in a social environment for four years in college and I am still the same.  

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